Healing the Fisher King:
A Fly Fisher’s Grail Quest
by G. Scott Sparrow
Excerpt from Chapter One: The Mother Lagoon
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King
When Jesus chose his first disciples, he selected several
men who had fished for a living. People who do not fish may
consider this fact irrelevant. But those of us who do fish
— if only for sport — and who enjoy the companionship of
others who do, can imagine what Jesus might have seen in
the likes of Peter, James, John, and Andrew. For the dream
of catching a big fish is not unlike the dream of communing
with God: The fisherman and the mystic alike are driven by
a yearning for something elusive and essential just below
the surface of ordinary life. Whether we think of it as a
great fish or as God himself who beckons us onward in our
quest, it feels remarkably the same.
Some of my first memories on the Gulf Coast of South Texas
are of blue crabs and piggy perch, and of my father
untangling my fishing line, again and again, on the dock
below the cottage. Dad was always patient, and looking
back, I realize now that this was his gift to me.
We lived 45 miles inland, but we spent many of our summer
weekends at the cottage on the Arroyo Colorado. Dad had
"inherited" the cottage from my mother’s entrepreneurial
father who had suffered a financial setback and could not
afford to keep up the payments. So Dad, who would never
have bought such a place for himself, took it over for
several years until his penchant for self-denial under the
guise of prudence prompted him to sell it for $4,000. I can
remember that for many years afterward — as we launched our
boat from the public launch like everybody else and boated
past Arroyo City toward the bay — we would try to pick out
from among the assortment of vacation homes the cottage
that had once been ours.
The Arroyo Colorado was once the riverbed of the Rio Grande
River. It begins as a mere trickle 70 miles inland, at the
point where the Rio Grande broke away centuries ago and
followed a more southerly course. By the time the Arroyo
reaches Arroyo City, it is over 100 yards wide and looks
like a substantial river. Five miles east, it enters the
Lower Laguna Madre — a shallow hypersaline estuary that
lies between the mainland of South Texas and Padre Island.
From the point where the Arroyo enters the estuary, the
Lower Laguna extends about 40 miles to the north and 20
miles to the south. Encompassing nearly 300 square-miles of
sand flats and grassy lagoons, the Lower Laguna is
remarkable for its primitive and unmarred beauty. It
reveals itself as a spacious expanse of clear water, and it
is the largest continuous shallow-water flat in the North
America.
Circumstances have conspired to protect the Lower Laguna
from the encroachment of modern life. One of the largest
ranches in the United States — the King Ranch — claims much
of the western shoreline of the estuary northward from the
Arroyo. And then, to the south, the Laguna Atascosa
National Wildlife Refuge insulates the shoreline for
another 15 miles. Consequently, the Lower Laguna Madre
remains one of the last remaining primitive estuaries in
the world. Except for a few fishing huts on stilts, there
is absolutely nothing unnatural to see, except for an
occasional barge on its way somewhere, or a small boat that
seems lost in the expanse of water and sky.
As a child, I knew nothing of the Laguna Madre's secrets,
nor of its beauty. My father's plywood V-bottom boat could
only travel in the channels created by dredging, which
limited our range of exploration considerably. We were
restricted in our fishing to the murky, manmade channel
called the Intracoastal Waterway that slices unnaturally
through the Laguna Madre from north to south, permitting
deep-draft vessels to pass safely through the estuary.
Back then, we would leave the dock at daybreak, and travel
eastward five miles to the mouth of the Arroyo. We would
stop and buy live shrimp from an old gentleman who lived in
a hut on stilts, and whose loss of his larynx to cancer
made him a man of a few whispered words. My father, whose
responsibilities to his family always prevented him from
pursuing the dream of a simpler life, often had something
good to say about this man who lived so simply on the edge
of the bay, and who could be so generous with his shrimp.
At the mouth of the Arroyo, we would intersect the
50-yard-wide Intracoastal channel, and turning north or
south, we would find a place to anchor along its edges.
There we would cast live shrimp on treble hooks back into
the deeper water and wait for the bobber — which we
properly called a "cork" regardless of its composition — to
disappear.
For years, we caught innumerable spotted or "speckled"
trout that way, so there never seemed to be a reason to go
elsewhere or to innovate. But every once in a while, we’d
see something that made us wonder. A tiny boat would pass
us by to the east, skimming over water that was only a foot
or so deep. These homemade plywood “scooters” were,
essentially, wide flat-bottomed skis powered by outboard
motors. When they would come to the dock, their captains —
whom I remember as kind, but tightlipped old timers — would
unload huge trout and redfish, the likes of which we had
never seen at the end of our lines. Denial is a powerful
thing, so somehow we kept explaining such miracles away
until, in the face of the evidence, my brother began to
wonder out loud what secrets the spacious shallow waters
would reveal if only we could go there. But my dad, whose
strong suit was consistency, was content to do what we’d
always done. It was years before my brother and I left the
old ways behind. When we did, we took our father with us.
At the center of this watery universe lay an island that I
never once visited as a child. From the first time I saw
Green Island, I felt drawn to go there. Flocks of terns,
herons, and egrets made Green Island their home. An
occasional peregrine falcon could be seen circling over the
island — probably calculating the risk of making a kill
amongst so many sharp beaks. It was a place that was
teeming with life and shrouded in mystery. Roseate
spoonbills, also island residents, lined the southern
shoreline and looked like a string of pearls around a
impenetrable wall of green. No one I knew had ever stepped
foot on Green Island. Today, it is an Audubon bird
sanctuary and off limits to casual visitors, but back then,
there was apparently nothing standing in the way of its
exploration except shallow water and indifference.
I would sometimes ask Dad if we could go there. When he
explained that there was an impassable expanse of shallow
water between us and the island, I would gaze at it
longingly, imagining all of the things that might be found
there. The tree-covered island was almost always somewhere
within my view — if only as a thin green line on the
horizon — and it worked on me continuously to awaken a
yearning that would assume many forms later in my life.
In time, I came to feel completely at home on the Laguna
Madre. As we would speed eastward toward the bay in the
morning twilight, I would dangle my legs over the bow of
the boat, gripping the bow line like a bronco rider and
relishing the warm, humid summer air flowing over me. The
pervasive smell of fish — both living and dead, the cool
pockets of air left over from the night, and the occasional
howl of a coyote roaming the tidal flats — each familiar
sensation greeted me as part of a rich, expansive
experience of arriving at the one place most precious to me
in all of the world.
I have since discovered that fly fishermen, in particular,
often speak with a deep reverence for their "home waters."
The place itself does not have to be the best place to
fish, nor even notable in that regard: But it is where —
over time and by degrees — a fisherman acquires an intimacy
with nature and a mastery of his sport. And above all, it
is where he comes to feel most at home in the world.
Purchase Healing the Fisher
King
The recurrent experience of
one’s home waters can become central to one's spiritual
life by intimating the possibility of an enduring state of
inner harmony. Indeed, just as the fisherman’s desire for a
great fish parallels the fervor of the mystic in his
yearning for God, the fisherman's experience of his home
waters is not unlike the mystic's experience of arriving at
his destination. My initial experience of what the mystics
refer to as the Holy Light, for instance, made me aware of
how heaven must feel just like home — and how, in turn,
one’s true home must feel just like heaven.
I had just turned 19, and was away from home for the first
time as a freshman at the University of Texas in Austin.
The experience began as an ordinary dream in which I was
returning home from my college classes, carrying my books.
As I approached my home, which bore no resemblance
whatsoever to my actual home or dormitory, I realized
suddenly that I was dreaming. I looked at my body and was
amazed at how real everything seemed. Marveling at this
paradox, I approached large black double-doors with ornate
brass handles and opened them. As soon as I did, intense
white light poured into my being, lifting me into an
exquisite sense of love and joy that I’d never known. I
entered the small room, which appeared to be a chapel. The
white light bathed everything, and the sense of being home
was total and complete. At one point, I carried a crystal
rod upright, over which a spinning circle of crystal was
poised in midair. No one was there to explain the mystery
of the light, or the immense purpose that I felt.
Even today, when I think about this experience, I can feel
something of what I felt then — so totally fulfilled and so
completely at home. Sparse Gray Hackle, author of Fishless
Days and Angling Nights has said, "Sometimes I think the
least important thing about fishing is catching fish." He
never says, however, what the most important thing about
fishing is. Like the Hindu meditator who evokes the
experience of the Divine by repeating the mantric
words neti, neti
— not this, not
that — he says that fishing is really about something that
cannot be easily named. As a fisherman matures on his home
waters, this becomes increasingly clear. Indeed, I think
that all great anglers eventually realize what the great
mystics have always known — that the fulfillment of the
quest is never exactly what you expect it to be. And while
the true goal cannot be easily named, we know when we are
drawing close to it when we begin to feel completely at
home in the world.
Reviews and
Endorsements
"Scott Sparrow's book is a moving testament to the spirit
of the human soul, and a powerful reminder that for many of
us fishing and spirituality are inextricably joined
together. I for one, wouldn't have it any other way."
Lani Waller, author of River of Dreams
"Fly Fishermen soon realize there is more the sport than
catching fish. It becomes a way of living. Scott Sparrow
writes well telling how it has influenced his life and
peace of mind. This is a good read for any fly fisherman."
Bernard "Lefty" Kreh
Purchase Healing the Fisher
King
"Just finished
reading Healing the Fisher King last night for a second
time. This is the only book that I've ever read twice, I
got lot's more out of it the second time around. A really
GREAT read Scott, thanks again for having the ability to
communicate so clearly and touch lives through your words."
Richard Thompson
"I just finished reading Healing the Fisher
King, and I wanted to thank you for
an incredible experience. It seemed in many ways that the
book was written for me. I have faced, and am facing the
same "challenges" you described in the book. I plan to read
it again as a text book, with a highlighter, while taking
notes.
"Before reading your book I only knew something was wrong
with my life, you helped discover (almost) exactly the
problem. If I were to describe these issues, it would look
like I was rewriting your story. Thank you for having the
courage to be so open, and for sharing your experiences. I
am grateful that you have the wisdom to discover these
emotional / spiritual / relational complexities."
M. W.
Scott,
I just finished reading your book Healing the Fisher
King.
Before I give you my feedback let me tell you that I cannot
get the Laguna Madre out of my mind. Since I’ve been back
to my normal routine regardless of work commitments, church
activities, etc., I cannot get too far from its memories.
The catching of fish wasn't the entire play but just a
small part of a much greater scene that I was blessed to be
a part of. Today, I was sitting in church and journaling
prior to the start of the service, my comment was something
to the effect that I wished I was "on the water right now."
Your book was very interesting to me; there are some
parallels between some of your experiences and mine, so in
certain things you mentioned I could envision myself in
that place or moment in time. I myself do not have an
active dream life, especially as it compares to your, but I
did find it fascinating to read about your dreams and how
you came to interpret their meaning. I also appreciated
your candidness about your relationships not only with your
son, but Kathy as well. Our entire lives are a journey and
I find myself seeking something, it doesn’t seem to matter
where I live, but it always seems to elude me, perhaps its
wanderlust? At any rate, thanks for such a wonderful job of
putting down in words what lots of others feel too. I also
appreciated the way you parallel the contrast between fly
fishing and your story. I call it pacing through life, as
you meet new people and find out we’re all not that much
different, with similar ambitions and desires, it brings a
closeness and appreciation for others and where they are in
their lives or where they have been.
Thanks again for the entire experience and opening my eyes
to the hidden treasure that is the Laguna Madre. I look
forward to fishing with you again.
Warmest Regards,
R.T., Midland, Texas
"This new book by Scott Sparrow is a real gem. The richness
of Scott’s personal and professional background comes
through in a captivating story about his own spiritual
quest. A psychotherapist, university professor, fly fishing
guide, and author of three previous books, all these sides
of Scott shine through in a tale that is both very personal
and at the same time full of universal wisdom.
"At first glance this book looks like it might be about fly
fishing, especially with the back cover photo of Scott
holding a prizing-winning catch. But fishing is simply a
metaphor, as the reader quickly discovers. In certain ways
this book reminds me of one of my favorites, Golf in the
Kingdom by Michael Murphy. It too is not what it first
looks to be. Both books powerfully show us that the sacred
can be discovered in even the ordinariness of a hobby or
sport.
"This book is no more one to teach you how to fly fish than
Herman Melville’s Moby Dick was a book about the ins and
outs of whaling. Like that classic, Scott’s book takes us
deeply into the ancient and universal questions of what it
means to be on a quest to find oneself and be healed.
"In fact, the title -- Healing the Fisher
King –
reveals what this book is all about: the healing process.
However, the wound in need of healing is no mere scrape or
bruise. It’s the violent rupture within our souls, the
wound of being disconnected from our source. In the 12th
century legend of the Holy Grail, the "fisher king" was the
leader who was grievously injured and could find solace
only when he would fish. What’s more the Holy Grail was
mysteriously connected to his castle, and the king could be
healed only when some knight could reclaim the Grail.
"Making it a modern and autobiographical tale, Scott tells
of his own wounds. He masterfully weaves together stories
from different periods in his life, describing encounters
with vulnerability, loss, and the renewal of love. He has
his own brush with death – a near-fatal encounter with a
sting-ray – but it’s the healing of interpersonal
relationships that makes this book so special and
instructive to us all. Perhaps most importantly, this book
invites you to reframe your own life-story – to see how
your own autobiography is a journey about healing. Whatever
the metaphor is for your life – being it fishing, golf, or
anything else – Healing the Fisher
King will inspire you to rekindle
the courage that’s required of you to meet the challenges
of life."
Mark Thurston, Ph.D. author of Willing to Change: The
Journey of Personal Transformation
Reviewed for the Jan 06 issue of Venture Inward
"Finished your book last night. It was a masterpiece for
me. It spoke to my soul. It validated the core of my faith
that 'there are no accidents.' I was meant to be on that
trip with my son to experience the sheer beauty of fly
fishing on the Laguna Madre with D. and you. It is no
accident that our journeys are eerily the same. Even some
of the details of our stories are strangely parallel. The
acceleration of my spiritual development brought me to you
at the perfect time in my life. Over the last decade, I
have done a great of 'shadow work' with therapists and
other equally powerful men. I have studied Robert Bly, and
I am a huge fan and 'devotee' of John Eldrege. God has
spoken to me clearly through that work and continues to
speak to me through men like you and experiences like I
enjoyed with my son over the July 4th weekend.
"I thank you (and Kathy) for the gift of your courage, your
authenticity, and your determination to allow the glory of
God to show up in your lives -- daily. And mostly I thank
you both for sharing the beauty of who you are through the
book. It was truly a gem."
Dr. K.O.
"It was the first time I've read an autobiographical book
of someone I know as well as I know Scott Sparrow, so it
was quite different as I know almost all of the characters
and have fished almost all the places in the book. Scott,
you know what I think of you and Kathy and your book. But
for others...If what you hold in your heart as dearest when
you think of your time on the water is not what you caught
or didn't catch, but something that calls to a deeper spot
within us all, then this book is for you. If fly fishing on
the Laguna...in Mother's lap...is not so much what you do
as who you are, this book is for you.
"It truly is for us. All of us. Scott has a gift for
finding the words to illuminate that common ground (white
sand or knee deep mud) that all of us who belong to Mother
Ocean share. The lie we tell ourselves is that we are all
different. The truth is found in Scott's book. He
personalized it. Said it was his story and then he gave it
to us. It really is our story...each of us. Change the
details and it is the story of us all.
"In several ways, it's a story about ghosts from our past,
how they haunt us while defining who we are. It is also a
story about learning to live with pain, physical, emotional
and spiritual and how getting the right treatment at the
right time is the only way to heal. It's a love story. What
it is least is a fishing story."
"What I can say now, is that even if I didn't know you as
well as I do, I would know you from your book. I could
identify many of the same feelings within myself that you
wrote of. I've shared some of the magical things you have
experienced on Mother Ocean...the still, moonless nights
with the stars above and below and no horizon, ghost fish
on a night when the plankton mark every turbulent movement,
the startling whoosh of a porpoise exhaling and longing to
know his world as he does. Most importantly, nothing puts
me so firmly in my place and reminds me at once of how
blessed I am and how insignificant."
Joe Mackay
"Scott Sparrow's wonderful book is not so much about fly
fishing as it is about living more fully. Healing The
Fisher King tells stories, narrates honest,
emotionally-charged feelings and relates life-altering
incidents that everyone who has ever wrestled with aspects
of the human condition can relate to. I came to some
mind-opening understandings of my own from vicariously
experiencing Sparrow's many encounters during his quest of
trying to understand life and thus achieve a degree of
happiness. A truly captivating read."
Jeffrey Pill, producer of Joan Wullff’s Dynamics of Fly
Casting, and The Art of Spey
Casting.
Purchase Healing the Fisher
King
"There’s something about life that wants us to give it our
all. Dr. Scott Sparrow’s heart-expanding book, destined to
become a classic among spiritual autobiographies, shows us
how both tragedies and miracles arise in life to make sure
we fulfill our responsibility to be all we can be."
Henry Reed, Ph.D., psychologist and author of
Dream
Medicine
"I found Healing the Fisher
King to
be very enlightening, from the first sentence to the last
-- this is a book that I couldn’t put down. The Fisher King
exists in all of us. There is much healing to be done. This
book has led me to the beginning of that that path. Thanks
for such a great book!"
Captain Richard Weldon, Laguna Madre fishing guide
"I just finished your book. I have to say I was somewhat
hesitant to "read" about you, having had the opportunity to
fish with you a few times. I had already formed my
opinions, and didn't want to deal with contradictions. I
must say your story confirmed my thoughts. You are a very
talented fisher and writer, who has been able to
successfully tell your story in a way that, I assume, has
been a comforting journey, hence the title.
I enjoyed sharing the fishing tales with you and thank you
for showing us the Mother Lagoon as she deserves to be
seen...both in your book and from your boat.
Roy Smith
"I have read both of your books and enjoyed both of them
greatly. It was great to read the stories of others who
feel the spiritual connection to fly fishing. I felt
strangely close to these books as I read them. They are
both very well written and give us an intimate picture of
who these great fly fishers really are. ( for thse of us
who do not know you personally) In fact, after reading them
a friend of mine from college visited me from Michigan.
He's dealing with some unhapiness in his life and we fished
together for two days. I could see his awakening to the
beauty surrounding us on the water and dare I say, maybe a
bit of healing. Anyway, I gave him both books to read. I
hope he will get as much out of them as I did. I guess I'll
have to reorder them for my library now. Thanks for the
beautiful, honest, and inspiring books."
-- reviewer from Boerne, Texas
Scott-
"I finished your book this morning before I came into work.
Quite honestly I had a hard time putting it down. I was
truely touched emotionally, and I think, spiritually as
well."
Jarred Sasser, Owner of High Desert Anglers
Purchase Healing the Fisher King
