Resolving Affairs in Marriage Relationships

Dr. Sparrow, UTPA Ed 6393

Problems

1. The personal shadow

We accept our parentsπ (and to some exent, societysπ) prescription for how to be a good person, and suppress those qualities that are not acceptable to our parents. This ≥bad deal≤ continues as along as stability can be sustained, but the pressure from the unconscious continues to build until a crisis precipitates the surfacing of the shadow.

2. The marital shadow

Unwittingly, we tend to be attracted to people who will allow us to remain who we are; that is, half a person. We tacitly engage in a conspiracy of denial: I will tolerate your bad-deals-with-your parents if youπll tolerate mine. That way, we can keep things from falling apart.

3. Affair as the symptom of unconscious outbreak of shadow/unrequited need

Crisis precipitates surfacing of shadow. Examples of typical marital crisis: Spouse is away taking care of dying parent; spouse is unavailable due to work or educational demands, children deprive spouses of quality time, etc.

Debt to self comes due, and betrayor falls for someone who awakens his/her own repressed self. Lover is likely to be the shadow of the spouse, that is, an opposite type

4. Triangulation occurs as a substitute for direct communication of needs, and renegotiation of relationship.

The presence of the lover serves a two-fold function, which goes nowhere unless the truth is acknowledged. The betrayor is saying, ≥This is how youπve never been, and now I want it,≤ and the betrayed says, ≥This person is terrible, a threat to me.≤

Solutions

1. Reframing the problem as a relationship problem

The therapist must walk a fine line between supporting the betrayed, and confronting both persons with a more meaningful assessment: that the marriage has a problem.

The betrayor has wounded the betrayed, yes, but he/she was also the first to respond to a need that was being suppressed by both parties. He/she is the ≥canary in the mine≤ who was the first to succumb to the growing pressure for change.

The betrayor must see that he has been dishonest about his/her needs, and has instead turned to a third party to fulfill those needs. Not only has he/she lacked courage to tell his spouse about what he/she needs, but he has failed to provide some of those needs for him/herself.

The lover, meanwhile, is seen as someone who provides a valuable mirror to the betrayed: How does this person represent parts of you that youπve denied? How can honor those aspects in yourself?

2. Withdrawal of Projections

It takes a lot of courage for the couple to realize that two deeper realizations are the keys to growth. The betrayor must conclude: ≥This person represents what Iπve refused to give to myself, and now I need to provide that, so no one is burdened by that responsibility.≤ The betrayed must realize: ≥This person represents all that Iπve rejected in myself, and if Iπm going to grow -- and preserve my marriage -- I have to come to terms with this part of myself.≤

2. De-triangulating

Depending on the courage of the two persons, the therapist may engage them in various forms of detriangulating. Examples are as follows:

*having the betrayor focus on ways that he/she can pursue needs independent of both spouse and lover. This is inner child/shadow work of the highest order, and often resolves the affair all by itself.

*having the betrayed begin to meet his/her own needs, partly by acting more like her own shadow self.

*having the betrayed call the lover and introduce him/herself. The principle here is the betrayed feels powerless, and is usually living in a fantasy about the lover. By making direct contact, the power of a triangle subsides, and the betrayed assumes a position of power. Even if the lover refuses to talk or meet with the betrayed, and/or the betrayor objects, the effort bears tremendous fruit.

*inviting the lover into the coupleπs home for coffee, or a therapy session, etc. This is rarely possible, at first, but as positive momentum gathers, and the betrayed starts to see that the relationship had a problem, and it wasnπt the lover, then itπs a conceivable option. I call it ≥bringing the affair into the marital relationship,≤ and it often has the paradoxical effect of weakening the bond between betrayor and lover.